i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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