if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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