Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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