Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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