there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
