why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
