sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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