He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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