i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
