my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
