I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My breasts were aching with rage.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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