remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just gargled with NyQuil
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
