so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
