why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize