she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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