Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can I color on your dick again?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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