The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
