The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize