this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize