I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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