My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
