I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize