Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
is that a dick in a sweater?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
