I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Fuck appropriateness.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
