Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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