I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
God, I missed his penis.
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