Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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