Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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