I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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