I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
