The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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