I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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