I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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