I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
