Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
