you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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