I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
