My room smells like vodka and shame
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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