He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
