I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
