Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
