$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize