I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
