I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
