I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize