Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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