You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
