If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
