It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize