I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
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