Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
