Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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