Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
