he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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