Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
