I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
