I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So much rum. So many feels.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
