I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
