I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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