An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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