i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
